The other morning I was texting my husband and we were having a conversation about normal life things like “werk, werk, werk, werk, werk, werk.” And bills, and money, all of that stuff. Well all of the sudden I get a text (still on the same subject) but literally ONE thing out of everything that was said really stood out to me. It stung and stuck in my head. I KNEW that it wasn’t about me. He wasn’t directing anything bad towards me – heck we were talking 100% about him and what he’s got going on – but I took it wrong. Leave it to texting with anxiety…
Quick side note: Postpartum anxiety and depression are real and really annoying sometimes. I mean, can I even say postpartum anymore? At what point is it just anxiety or depression? When my child is out of the house? Now? After the first year? When I’m no longer my baby’s milk machine? Who can answer this? Anyone? I think it’s easy to joke about from time to time but in all reality, it’s no joke and the extreme emotions that come along with the postpartum stages alone and thennn you add anxiety and depression…those emotions are REAL
Alright, back to our text.
One little thing immediately triggered me in his text when I read it. So I’m over here pretty much giving myself a pep talk – trying to get it to roll off my shoulders, like “don’t take it to heart…it was about work. It had nothing to do with you. It wasn’t about you. It’s not always about YOU.” I let a few tears out and then okay, I’m done. It’s fine. I’m fine. We’re fine. Everything is FINE. Right? Right.
Until 01:00 (that’s 1:00AM) when I’m awake because I’m thinking about it so much and like…really ugly crying in bed because I can’t sleep and I can’t STOP thinking about it. So I spend 45 minutes texting my husband this really long text – oh yeah, did I mention that at this point he had been out of the state for almost 3 weeks? Anyway, I’m texting away, probably not making any sense because my husband has no idea that he triggered this. I’m just typing as my brain is trying to process the emotion and everything I should’ve said like 2 weeks go but also held in…and finally I feel like I got it all out. I said everything I needed to say and I can calm down. I go blow my nose that’s been dripping because I’ve seriously been crying the ugliest cry and wiping it on my shirt…
I go back to bed and feel like…okay. I can go to sleep. I got it all off my chest. I said what I needed to say – I’m okay. My husband might be confused and he may wonder where all of this came from but that’s something we can figure out tomorrow. Bed time…but WAIT. This would be such a good blog post about texting and anxiety…I better write this down…
In all seriousness, anxiety and depression make you feel all kinds of crazy. They can make you lose sleep at night because you’re so consumed in your thoughts. They can make you feel like the scummiest of scum person only because you’re telling your husband how you feel but you’re more worried about being negative and them being upset with you…but you’re the one that was upset in the first place…🙄
It’s unreal the kind of person you become. And you go weeks or months and think “hey, I’m doing great.” You have no crazy emotional breakdowns, you can finally joke around and not take every single thing to heart…and it doesn’t take much for this dude to pop it’s little head up and be like, “yo, lady! I’m still here. Did you forget about me?” I sure didn’t forget about you, old buddy. You here to stay?
If you relate to any of my craziness, lets be friends. Even if you don’t, lets be friends. Mama’s can never have enough support. So go out and support another mama.
Love, Krynda @krussell.fit
