Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a stay at home mom with postpartum anxiety?
This blog is for moms with issues. So if you’re the all-around perfect mom we all secretly envy, stick around to learn what goes through the mind of the rest of us crazies.
It’s getting ready for the gym because you’re finally about to get some MUCH NEEDED time to yourself, but hold up…your husband announces that he’s going to pick up an OT shift….that starts in half an hour.
Well, there went your alone time.
But it’s not about you, right? Because how great is your husband for being willing to work extra. Especially when finances are on your brain 100% of the time when you stay at home with kids. You’re so grateful and you know the extra income is always nice…
Even with all of that… the tightness in your chest starts and you try and hide the tears welling up in your eyes from your hubs as he walks away… but the second he’s not looking you immediately break down. Not because he’s about to go to work and you’ll be alone again. You can handle that. You can handle the kids. You do it all day every day.
But having time to completely devote to yourself… time to get out of the house for just a moment alone, without having to watch a baby monitor, or listen in for someone coming out of their room wanting a drink, having to use the bathroom, or the endless list of things toddlers “have” to do at bedtime…Well, that time doesn’t come around very often.
So when you have it in your head that “yes, I’m finally going to get a minute! That time has come…” and it gets swept out from under you as you’re about to walk out the door… Your heart just shatters. It sinks into your stomach and you want to throw yourself on the floor and kick and scream like your toddler has done more times than you can count.
And let me tell you how dumb that makes you feel. It feels like you’re crying over spilt milk. Dumb, right? Yeah – exactly.
It just doesn’t feel as important to everyone else as it does to you. So you cry… because these tiny humans who literally need you to survive, are indeed very needy. I’m sure you know what I mean when I say YOU come dead last in everyone’s book… including your own. Sometimes you need a breather from that. And when your breather gets ripped away, and you cry, you feel like you’re overreacting. “Why are you always SO emotional?! Get over it.” You feel dumb and stupid. You’re stupid for overreacting.
Then here comes your husband, ready to leave for work. He sees you crying…and guess what it does for him? Well you’re not exactly 100% sure because you didn’t ask him, but your brain (which is always right) tells you he feels guilty now for picking up that shift. But you don’t talk to him to validate that, you just cry some more because now you feel guilty for making HIM feel guilty…(even though you don’t really know how he feels)… He leaves, and more tears come. You think “great, now he’s mad at me.” Guilt. That annoying, never-ending guilt. It’s like this endless rollercoaster that you want to JUMP OFF OF. But you can’t get off. The thoughts that run through your mind don’t ever leave…
So now you’re even more emotional thinking “crap…I probably made my husband upset. Why couldn’t I just let it go? I better text him to make sure he’s okay…”WHAT?????????? Text your husband…. to make sure HE is okay? Yep. That’s right, listening to my brain here and the brain is always right. For some reason his feelings just became way more important than yours.
Oh yes, of course, because YOU COME LAST, mama. Your list of people you take care of includes your husband, your children, your family, your friends, their children, the dog of your random neighbor you don’t speak to….and you. Right there at the very bottom.
Mama, YOU NEED THAT TIME ALONE. You need to be able to come first sometimes. I’m talking straight up, headphones on, music blaring, no conversation, alone time. Not out with the girls and away from every day life. The kind of alone that you only have your own thoughts to keep you company. You need it. It’s so important to your mental sanity. And in these moments that happen so frequently, your mental sanity doesn’t look so hot.
It’s times like this that you think…should I have gone back to work? Maybe I can work part time. I can’t do this stay at home mom thing anymore. I should be contributing more financially anyway. It would give me the much needed break. But then you remember why you’re not working in the first place and that postpartum anxiety rears it’s little head up once again to remind you – “oh hey, I’m here. I’m the reason you’re not working.” Because let’s be honest…working with postpartum anxiety is just as bad as staying at home with postpartum anxiety. They just have different things about them that make them hard.
Babes, TELL ME I’m not the only one out there.
All I’m here to say is: if you get this, if you get what I’m dishing out here and can relate in any way… you’re not alone. Do you hear me? I may be some random person to you, but if you can relate, let’s be friends 👭 gosh even if you think I sound like a crazy person and you have no idea what I’m talking about, lets still be friends…moms need support. All the support they can get. And the best support is other mama’s who just get you. Who can read this and relate. With no judgements.
So thanks for reading. I hope you can laugh, cry, relate, or understand if you’re going through anything similar. I got you, mama. Love, Krynda @krussell.fit
